And All That Could Have Been

I was in the tub two nights ago, attempting to relax.

Trying to Forget.

There's so much to forget. I'm at the age where I want to forget some things, like what's happening in the world around me, the bad decisions I've made, the consequences I've faced; and I don't want to forget other things, like where I put my keys, my glasses, my phone, routes around well-known streets that I knew like the back of my hand and never needed GPS for, my loved ones' names.

While trying to Forget and Not Forget, I thought about what would have happened if a butterfly's wings had not opened as wide; if there had been a double flutter instead of a single.

My life came to a full stop at the edge of a cliff in 2005. Instead of looking at it as the end of all things, many, many people helped me to face it as a beginning. I couldn't change what I had done in the past, but I could change where I would end up in the years ahead.

My mind laid a path for each of the choices I did not follow. Some of them ended up in similar locales to where I am now. Sitting in a warm bath, trying to Forget. Which made me contemplate if the events that are polarizing the culture I live in today would have even occurred if I had followed the second flutter of the butterfly's wings.

Reflecting upon how each path was laid before me, my mind seems like a map of the NYC Subway system. What I was also trying to figure out was if any of the other paths would have made me happier than I was sitting in the tub, relaxing.

I know some of those paths would have made me financially prosperous. Others would have been unsuccessful. Some of them would have led to another life partner. Some would have led to world travel and exploration.

Some paths would have led to happiness; others to more sorrow.

All of these thoughts floating around inside my head while I sat in the tub met at a fork in my current path. One side would always hold regrets. One side would be rough but clear.

While I cannot go back to that point on the edge of the cliff, I did resolve one thing while I was in the tub. Regardless of which path I would have chosen, I would have eventually found my way to the happiness that is in my life at this very moment. Happiness that is found through having a child, good friends, and  a certain benevolence for the world around you. It's possible that some of those paths could have surpassed this. It's possible that it may have taken a longer time along other of  those paths to reach this point.

But I would have reached this bliss. And I am grateful to have found it here, at this time, along this path, which is mine and mine alone to continue to follow.