And All That Could Have Been

I was in the tub two nights ago, attempting to relax.

Trying to Forget.

There's so much to forget. I'm at the age where I want to forget some things, like what's happening in the world around me, the bad decisions I've made, the consequences I've faced; and I don't want to forget other things, like where I put my keys, my glasses, my phone, routes around well-known streets that I knew like the back of my hand and never needed GPS for, my loved ones' names.

While trying to Forget and Not Forget, I thought about what would have happened if a butterfly's wings had not opened as wide; if there had been a double flutter instead of a single.

My life came to a full stop at the edge of a cliff in 2005. Instead of looking at it as the end of all things, many, many people helped me to face it as a beginning. I couldn't change what I had done in the past, but I could change where I would end up in the years ahead.

My mind laid a path for each of the choices I did not follow. Some of them ended up in similar locales to where I am now. Sitting in a warm bath, trying to Forget. Which made me contemplate if the events that are polarizing the culture I live in today would have even occurred if I had followed the second flutter of the butterfly's wings.

Reflecting upon how each path was laid before me, my mind seems like a map of the NYC Subway system. What I was also trying to figure out was if any of the other paths would have made me happier than I was sitting in the tub, relaxing.

I know some of those paths would have made me financially prosperous. Others would have been unsuccessful. Some of them would have led to another life partner. Some would have led to world travel and exploration.

Some paths would have led to happiness; others to more sorrow.

All of these thoughts floating around inside my head while I sat in the tub met at a fork in my current path. One side would always hold regrets. One side would be rough but clear.

While I cannot go back to that point on the edge of the cliff, I did resolve one thing while I was in the tub. Regardless of which path I would have chosen, I would have eventually found my way to the happiness that is in my life at this very moment. Happiness that is found through having a child, good friends, and  a certain benevolence for the world around you. It's possible that some of those paths could have surpassed this. It's possible that it may have taken a longer time along other of  those paths to reach this point.

But I would have reached this bliss. And I am grateful to have found it here, at this time, along this path, which is mine and mine alone to continue to follow.

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Turning Blind Eyes

I was driving around today doing seasonal errands, and on the radio they were doing a seasonal tribute to someone they called one of the “greatest singers of his generation”, Bing Crosby. Christmas and Bing Crosby are synonymous, right?

What about in the year of #MeToo? Bing Crosby was well known for abusing his children, and driving his first wife to alcoholism. But still he’s celebrated for being the sound of Christmas. Do we just turn a blind eye because tis the season?

This is something that’s been discussed several times over the years, and I've seen no less than four articles over 2017 about this topic. What happens when we find out that someone whose talent we treasure is an abhorrent human being? Can we separate the person from the art? And even if we can, can we still appreciate the art or does it leave a sour taste on the tongue?

One of my favourite Christmas movies is Trading Places. It features Al Franken in a minor yet plot-relevant character. Many of my favourite movies were produced by Miramax. And The Usual Suspects is a masterpiece of film. But will I be able to watch any of these ever again without that cloying feeling at the back of my mind?

I have to admit that every time I hear Ride of the Valkyries, my stomach does a flip flop. I mean, it’s a stunning work. Wagner is a genius composer. He also held severe anti-Semitic views which caused his music to be the soundtrack for Hitler and the Nazis in Germany.  When Wagner's works are  performed these days, programmers seem to overlook this history, but is that because they are trying to make people appreciate the music for what it is without it being tainted by the racist history attached to Wagner?

It’s one thing when works are in the public domain, but when the works of an artist continue to earn revenue, either through first-run sales or royalties, what then? Do we continue to play songs by Michael Jackson? Should we continue to attend first-run movies produced by the Weinstein Company or watch them on Netflix? Boycotts work in the here and now, but thanks to the internet (and those of us with net neutrality) we’ve learned that nothing ever really goes away. So in twenty years from now, will The Usual Suspects be studied in film classes, revered for its genius, with teachers omitting to mention the histories of Bryan Singer and Kevin Spacey, so that students can appreciate the film without bias? Can these films hope to find a new shelf life once a certain amount of time has passed?

I don’t have an answer for any of this, and in all of the articles I've read and seen covering this same topic, it seems there is no clear answer. My own opinion is that no matter how much we love the art, the art is a reflection of the person who gives it to the world. If that person has a diseased soul and gets off on carrying out abusive acts towards others, then the art itself is diseased and rotten. While it may still be a work of genius, we who are the audience would be remiss and foolish to think one can truly be separated from the other, and we who are living through these times should not allow future generations to forget the history behind the artists and the art.  

Personally, I have never thought of Bing Crosby as the “sound of Christmas” and while I was listening to all of those singers reflecting on the genius that was Bing Crosby today, I did throw up a little in my mouth.

Guess that’s a feeling I’m going to have to get used to. 

Motivation

I'm a Taurus.

 

People say a lot of bad shit about Tauruses. They say we're lazy. We have horrible tempers. We don't communicate. We just want to eat all day. We don't like to leave the house.

Most of that is true, but it's not bad. We like things to be as they are. We don't make hasty decisions. We are slow to anger so when we are angry it's because we've tried not to be for a very long time. We don't like to disrupt the peace. We have nice homes so why should we leave. And who wouldn't want to eat all day?

If a Taurus does get motivated to move, to be angry, to speak, and especially to leave the house, watch out. Not even a freight train can stop us.

I have been trying to set up this website for years. I have owned the domain names but haven't done anything with them. I figured I'd get around to it eventually.

Today was the day.

But why today?

I'm a writer. And today I read something that angered me so very much I almost threw away my career. Without getting into the details, let's just say I made a very Taurean decision. My choices were: (a) quit writing forever; (b) push the limits of unlimited texting and keep whinging about what I read; or (c) let the fecal matter be the fuel for the fire to make my mark on this blue marble.

So I finally un-404'd my domains and built this simple site. I resurrected my writing blog, and will continue to add to this at least twice a week.

And most important of all, I didn't have to leave the house and I ate all the way through the creation of this site.

Welcome to my works. It's nice to be back. I've cracked my knuckles. 

And I'm motivated.